Cuckoo children: Are the baby boomers responsible for a generation of adults who refuse to grow up?
83Introducing the baby boomer.
I am one of the baby boomer generation, one of the children born in the euphoric relief of the post war years. I was too young to be aware of the rationing of anything but I was fed, clothed, sheltered and loved. Most of us baby boomers had few toys but it didn't matter because we played outside most of the time, making dens in the woods and fields, even in cold and occasionally wet weather. Muffled up in navy blue mackintoshes, scarves, long socks and wellington boots, clothing that would be rejected today as deeply uncool, we would splash heedlessly about in puddles or suck, unhygienically, on icicles. I never felt deprived of anything except, predictably, my parent's attention when my brother came along. I never got the rocking horse I wanted, I never got the pedal car I longed for. As an adult I have worked almost constantly for the roof over my head and the few things I own. I am well-balanced (reasonably), very grateful for the life I live and I feel privileged to have been born a baby boomer as I believe I saw the world at its best. But ...
Do some baby boomers over compensate?
It may be seem to be a sweeping statement to say that today's teenagers are almost a breed apart but I don't think it is too far from the truth. All teenagers have their own language and a different, scientifically proven, circadian rhythm to the rest of humanity. Many of them study partying and drinking copious amounts at university and are mostly funded by the bank of mum and dad. This is to be expected, this is normal. We understand this and hope that one day our parental investment will result in a well-rounded barrister or veterinary surgeon who funds their own life.
The children who refuse to grow up.
What worries me more are the growing number of young, and even nearly-middle-aged, adults who are still reliant on their parents for financial and practical help. These are the grownups who just won't grow up and it would appear that some of us baby boomers may have sought to compensate for our own, perceived, early deprivations by indulging our children too much and for too long. For many of us it is now time to acknowledge that we have spawned one of the most monumentally self-absorbed generations ever.
Is the present generation of young adults selfish?
Now, before you start getting all defensive I do know that there are a great many of you out there who have brought up your children to be well-balanced adults who do take responsibility for their lives and careers. Many of us are lucky enough to have children who would rather chew off their own paw than worry you with their troubles or repeatedly call on you for money but there are also far too many who rely on their parents for way too long. But hey, those fancy fingernails ain't cheap you know and where am I going to get the dosh to pimp my ride (the one my dad bought me for my birthday) if my folks don't help? Okay that's an extreme example admittedly but you get the picture. These needy offspring sometimes have strange priorities that are more in line with imitating the celebrities they worship rather than actually getting down to learning how to live in the real world. Sadly this makes many of them modern day Walter Mittys which in turn, and for the greater majority, can only lead to an overwhelming disenchantment with life.
A mistaken kindness.
We all think we know how to parent a child. Most of us think it comes naturally, that we'll muddle through and that, if we throw enough money at our children, they will somehow turn out all right. Occasionally this works but there is also the danger that it actively hampers the ability of the child to become a fully functioning, autonomous adult. A constant handing over of cash is a mistaken kindness that can lead to a total and crippling dependency which is not just unhelpful to the child-adult but also recklessly disrespectful of them.
How can any parent believe they have done a good job of parenting when their child has such a vague grasp of the realities of life? How can any of these parents not be aware that the root cause of their child's unhappiness stems from their over-indulging them, thus making them both lazy and ineffectual and with little or no understanding of a personal work ethic. Surely, without purpose, without goals, there can only be disillusionment and depression and it is these two factors that can often lead to drug abuse and even suicide.
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It is our responsibility.
If not giving in to your child, whatever age they are, is hard for you, especially when they turn on the emotional blackmail, think of it as tough love. A tough, but true, love. It is a genuine love that will stand back so that they can reach their own potential, it is a love that will enable them to become who they truly should be and it is a love that will enable them to survive independently when you are no longer here. If you do not fit your child with the necessary mental tools for their own survival you must consider that you have failed as a parent. You have doomed your children to a lifetime of dependency, either on you or the State. You have taken away their ability to be all that they can be and that is, quite simply, criminal.
For more thoughts on parenting see:
http://thisisangiesblog.blogspot.com/2011/07/your-children-are-only-on-loan.html
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Thanks for your supportive comment, Jeannie. I am amazed by how some children in their 30's (yes, I said 30's) are still babied. One 30+ woman wouldn't move out of the parental home until the parents bought her a flat with all the mod cons including dishwasher. The sort of things that her parents had worked hard all their lives for!
Just like a big fat cuckoo! Well, that is probably unfair on cuckoos ,even they leave the nest to live on their own eventually!
Wonderful hub, Angie. I cannot believe that there are so many people who will not see this going on under their noses. But there are so many who are now moving back into the old parental home because they can't survive out in the real world.
I feel so sorry that there are far too many young people who will never own their own homes.
You know, Angie, I'm 36, and I was pretty much forced to make my own way due to circumstance, but I've been grateful for it every day of my adult life. It boggles my mind to see people MY AGE living off Mommy and Daddy, and with absolutely no scruples about doing so. I have a family member who is 31 years of age and has lived with her retired parents for 3 years. Has not worked a day and gets her nails/hair done regularly and eats out at least twice a week. It sickens me, to be honest.
I was pretty poor growing up, but it's made me a rich woman in my adulthood - maybe not monetarily, but certainly in matters of integrity.
AWESOME hub!
Bless you, M2C ... thanks for such positive comments and I'm always glad to hear your take on things. And I certainly think you are right about being rich in integrity.
I have looked after myself since I was 15 - I received no financial help from my parents who were too poor to help me anyway. I am proud of my achievements in life even though they are not great in monetary terms.
The only reason for moving back in with your folks in my opinion is to look after them in their old age.
I must say I wonder what will happen to this 'cuckoo' generation when the old folks drop off the twig!
Angie, like you, I'm a baby boomer, and I've seen many of my near contemporaries working hard to support adult children who don't seem to know how to look after themselves either domestically or financially. When I was growing up I was expected to contribute towards the household budget as soon as I had a job, but too many parents these days see this as a harsh and unnecessary demand. Many adult children continue to live rent free with domestic chores thrown in, long after they start to earn a decent wage. This may appear to be a kindness, but in fact it teaches the kids very little about the real world!
Angie, thanks for the kind words. You and I were in virtually identical situations growing up. And, you know I agree completely that it's only okay to move back in to help care for your folks, or to become an equally contributing partner in the household. When the old folks go? Madness will ensue. Either these brats will inherit the whole lot, which they do not deserve, or they'll wind up losing it all because they've no clue how to take care of themselves emotionally or financially. UGH.
Hi Amanda - many thanks for your input. I too had to give my mum £5 a week out of my £14 wage. I was often very hard up after paying for my train fare to work and had little money for entertainment after buying the clothes I needed. But it never occurred to me to either wriggle out of paying rent or to sponge off my parents.
M2C - that worries me too. Are we going to end up with a lot more homeless people or tramps (you call them bums, I think) because they will be so unable to manage their affairs they will lose everything that has been left to them. Either that or they are going to have to learn to be grown-up toot sweet.
Well, here in the States, it's pretty much the norm to live off the government if you can't make your own way - even though you're perfectly CAPABLE of making your own way. The word "can't" of course being spoken in the most sarcastic tone. So, what will wind up happening is that they'll start living off of Mommy and Daddy government, and the working public will wind up supporting them.
Sigh.
We do call them bums mostly, although it's just an evolution/change of language - in the early and mid twentieth century, we called them tramps, but now that word has somehow come to mean a woman of questionable virtue. Not sure how that happened, but there it is. :)
Hey Twilight! Sorry somehow I missed your comment. Sorry. One point I must make is to wonder why the kids can't cope out there and have to move back home. Is it because there are too many 'must haves' out there? I know I shouldn't generalise but I do think our consumer society must bear the brunt of the blame - people expect to many 'things' these days.
I suppose it was easier in the 60's when I was a teenager as there were fewer things to buy and all this lovely electronic gadgetry didn't exist. But there were still clothes, handbags and irresistible shoes. I just had to be careful.
Hi M2C - we too get people who live off the State ... I have spent a lifetime helping to pay for them. I'm all for supporting those who genuinely need help but ...
I still think parenting should be taught ... and people should somehow inculcate a sense of independence in their children. My kids couldn't wait to get out there and set the world on fire (not literally, of course)... I guess I was lucky ... and because I have never had much money I was never able to help them anyway. They are both extremely successful (Thank Goodness).
It was easy to aspire to owning a product, whatever it was, knowing that if one saved and did without on other things, that tantalising "must have" would be there at the end of a matter of weeks, or even months. Now, whatever that sparkling object on the horizon may be, it becomes superseded within so short a time.
In the case of computers, mobile phones etc., TL, being made to wait while you save up might be a good thing! At least then the thing you get might be the best of its kind for 2 weeks as opposed to 1!!! : -)
That's sort of how I was too, Angie (like your children). I was out the door at the first opportunity and never looked back!
To Angie Jardine: This is an excellent hub. I agree with you. Today, parents tend to parent their children into adulthood. While I believe that children should live a good and affluent life, children must be raised to become increasingly independent.
Children should learn the lessons of independence starting at eight. Hopefully, when the child attends college, he/she should be 90% independent. I believe that parenting should stop when the child reaches twenty-one years of age.
When a child reaches adulthood, parents should change their roles to that of friend. Adult children, for the most part, do not need a parental figure. There are many adult children who are stunted because their parents refuse to acknowledge them as adults.
Hi again gm, thanks for your comment ... I think some parents believe that you are showing love if you constantly shore your children up with money. Sometimes you just have to let them make their own mistakes ... it seems to be the surest way of learning not to do it again (though it does not always work!)
Certainly parents should be hands off by the time their child is eighteen at the latest ... you just have to step into the background and be there to offer helpful advice if they ask for it ... which most of them don't as they believe they know everything. Ah, I remember those days well ...
Wow you baby boomers are a piece of work. What an entitled, rude, selfish and blinkered generation you really are.
Thank you for your comment, I seem to have struck a nerve in you. You are entitled to your opinion just as I am.
However I did not base this piece only on my own opinion but on actual facts and of course, it was not aimed at all the younger generation, as I have pointed out in the article.
I cannot see why you would think that I am entitled ... as you put it. As far as I can see there is nothing 'entitled' about living below the official poverty level as I do.
Voice of Reason, you seem to have chosen your avatar name none too carefully. Maybe you should read the hub again, and consider rephrasing your comment.
Or perhaps, consider not making such sweeping generalisations.
Many thanks for your support, TL ...
From 'a piece of work' ... :-) (It could have been worse ...lol!)
I agree - looks like you struck a nerve. It can be so hard to know sometimes where the line is between giving your kids a hand when they need it, and giving too much help.
Sometimes, they grow up blaming all the ills of the world on the previous generation, and then cry foul because they cannot get ahead in the manner in which they would like.
In some cases though, we do have to help out more than, perhaps, our parents did. When adult children have to return home for a bit, etc. It all depends on everyone's personal circumstances.
Thoughtful and thought-provoking! Rated up and awesome!
Wow! Definitely a true Hub.
I'm in the second-half of boomers; always worked 2 jobs, even in college full-time and grad school. No grants given until age 21 without parental signature at that time; they would not sign.
A straight A-student with no outside activities, I had $100 to my name and went to work instead of school and lived in a boarding house. No kids, not married; only me. I received nothing from parents, one who dropped out after 6th grade and one after 3rd yr college. My father purchased 5 new automobiles and let them rust out. His savings were stolen and squandered by relatives when he died. I never saw one penny or one item.
Fast forward -- Two of my sports students in high school expected ME to pay for their and their date's prom - parents wouldn't, so they expected the next nearest adult to do so. That's the attitude of entitlement we need to come against.
Hi Red Elf - thanks for the votes! I agree that it is hard to know where to draw the line with support and I guess this piece does make me seem a bit of a curmudgeon but I have given financial support to both my children in the past. It's just the ones who expect to be kept for the rest of their lives that bug me. I know so many and they are just so unthinkingly ungrateful.
Hi Patty - you are my heroine! Your story is very like my own. My parents never helped me as they were struggling to survive themselves. My father went to nightclass after coming out of the Navy and got his qualifications that way. I was very proud of him. My mother returned to work as soon as my brother was at secondary school. They worked hard and paid their way and that ideal was the most important legacy they gave to my brother and myself. I am proud of what I have achieved though it is very modest compared to most people and I am inordinately proud of my children and their own work ethic.
Many thanks to both you and RedElf for your support and valuable comments.
I voted this Hub UP and others, by the way! :)
Of course, many of the Greatest Generation had a hard life through the Great Depresson, but many Boomers also had it very rough, even when the family had money.
To dump money on some of the next generation while that subgroup of the generation don't work or while they save their own income is unfair advantage. However, I saw this start with some of the Boomers.
Right now I know 4 of them in their mid-to-late 60s that have not worked enough (40 QTRs/10 yrs. work required) - by choice - to draw Social Security and are at the end of all their family and friend resources. The future is dark for them.
Thanks for this Hub!
Heavens, Patty! That is one scam I never knew existed! I wonder how they will manage?
Many thanks BTW for your UP votes ... it was very kind of you and much appreciated.
Wow - I didn't know this baloney was occurring in the U.K. It certainly is happening in the USA.
Sadly, Maren, I suspect it is prevalent in most of the Western world. In the undeveloped world poor little kids are still working in sweatshops and fetching water for miles from the age of 5.
There was a comment on the news yesterday by some employer that the reason jobs were given to immigrants before Brit kids was because they (the immigrants) had a better worth ethic. i.e. they would turn up for work and stick at it!
Many thanks for your comment - I appreciate you taking the time.
Me and my children will be paying for your generation's Medicare and Social Security bills, and yet you are shaking your finger at me and mine over anecdotes and uncorroborated assertions which I can counter measure for measure.
HI Liz - I doubt that ... I live in the UK - our healthcare is free unlike the US. My taxes have paid for this over the many years I worked.
I have willingly paid into our system to help support others, our old and our sick. I don't begrudge this as I know there will be many genuinely poor people who will have benefited from my taxes. I believe in taking care of others who are too ill or too old to work. I have no trouble with this concept. I do have trouble with idle kids as you can tell.
My stories are not anecdotal or uncorroborated - I only wish they were. They were in fact told to me by the very parents that these children were leeching off. They felt powerless to change things as they feared losing their children's 'love' - some love.
You hit the nail on the head with this hub.
No further comment required from me, I agree totally.
From a fellow baby boomer.
Voted up, useful information, interesting and above all absolutely true, sadly, all too often.
Hi molo ... thanks for the votes. I do wish it were not true but as time goes on it seems to be constantly borne out.
My daughter-in-law manages a shop in York and if she points out to her ever-changing young staff that they should do something correctly, they take their ball home! Admittedly the company pay dreadful wages but even so ...
Living at home makes it too easy for them to quit work and let mummy provide. If 'mummy' has made a rod for her own back I simply cannot sympathise.
Jeannieinabottle Level 7 Commenter 11 months ago
This is all so true. What an amazing hub! I also see this everyday. I know people in their 20s and 30s that still rely on their parents for money, housing, etc. If a person is down on their luck and needs temporary help, it is natural for a parent to help. Anything beyond that is crazy. I actually feel guilty that I cannot afford to give my parents money. I live completely on my own and pay all my own bills, but I do feel bad that I can't help my parents when they need money. I can't believe how many of my peers expect their parents to still support them. No, it should be the other way around once you hit a certain age.
I work at an association that deals with accounting firms. I have heard stories of accountants bringing their moms to their job interviews! Gasp! Can you believe that? Naturally, they do not get hired. I've talked to mothers on the phone that are asking advice for their adult child's career. What I really want to say is, "First, stop making their phone calls for them." I am not allowed to say this though.
Sorry, I am rambling now. Great hub and voted up!