The Wisdom of the Crone?
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Where has all my allure gone?
The picture above is of me at 26, taken when my daughter was about 15 months old. I was suffering with mild post-natal depression which came in bouts and I felt very mixed up and confused about life. I am now 63 and have moved into the final, 'crone', stage of my life. So where did all my allure go? I guess it just got wrinkly and dropped off.
But if you ask me if I would trade my present age to return to my youth I would have to answer, 'No, thanks'. Maybe that's a strange answer when so many of us are trying so desperately to hold back the ageing process, to appear forever young. So why would I say that? In our 'old age is a dirty word' culture, why would I not want to be young again?
Remembering the angst.
The reason why I would not trade age for youth is all because of confidence. Such confidence, so painfully gathered by age and experience, has had the effect of setting me free to be who I really want to be at this late stage of my life.
My teenage years were exciting, but they were not without angst. Like most teenagers the changes in my body and the growing freedom to plot my own life, and make my own mistakes, were both heady and terrifying. Although a reasonably bright scholar my new liberation made me choose the wrong path over and over again. And confidence in who I was had not yet kicked in. I spent far too much of my time weeping over boys and writing depressive doggerel. (That has only partly changed, I have finally learnt one lesson ... I no longer weep over men).
My twenties were concerned with the mystery and overwhelming responsibility of child-rearing and the dawning realisation that I had elected to allow my heart, in the shape of my children, to walk about outside of my body.
In my thirties my confidence had grown and hardened but still I made appalling errors of judgement that hurt all those I loved most. This was my most painful decade and the one I would love to change the most.
But, eventually realising I was unable to change the past, I set about making the best of my forties. It became a happy, peaceful, forgiven decade and I began to see that life was not all about me. I had the chance to try and make reparation for my sins and I took it.
My fifth decade saw me accept myself with all the warts of my past. This is not to say that I forgot the hurt I had caused but I actively chose to move on, knowing that guilt did not help any of us. I could not go back, I could only go on. There was another great sadness in this decade but that, for once, was not my fault. So, beneath it all, was a feeling of peace in who I was. I was doing my best for everyone ... and ultimately that helped me too.
Allowing the crone stage.
And so to date ... my sixties. I have long since given up being sinful (unless you include chocolate). I feel I now have a chance for wisdom, even though I have to guard against my attitudes which often seem to be atrophying into the same intolerances as my parents; the very intolerances that I argued against when I was younger and I am constantly aware of this change in myself. It is inconceivable to me that my parents could always have been right about things so I try hard to retain my liberality of belief.
I make no apology for the personal aspect of this piece. It is written, not so much as a piece of advice, as a testament of faith; a personal confirmation that good things can come out of turbulence, but it helps if you accept yourself first. It is meant in the spirit of nil desperandum - if I can come out blinking into the sunlight of a serene old age from the turmoil of my past, then anyone can.
For the most part, my hard-won old age confidence, my loss of allure if you like, means I am free to have grey hair, be somewhat more cuddly than I was (a euphemism for chubby), wear enormous knickers, droopy cardigans, and strange hats in which to garden. And I am free to do all of the above whilst wearing comfortable shoes and not giving two hoots what anyone thinks about me.
Am I being honest?
Does this sound like so much bravado to you? Well, perhaps there is some of that here. For sure there are times when I fear what is yet to come. I am in love with life, I love being alive ... and occasionally I do fear dying; not death ... just the process of getting into that condition.
Okay, so I do now look as though I've had a bit of a hard paper-round. I do admit to sometimes wishing I did not have writer's thighs and that the crows had not been doing the Ghost Dance around my eyes. But I have a strong desire to age naturally and for the most part I am content with how I am. That contentment, for me, is the silver lining of old age.
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Reading your hub made me smile as I have moved through similar stages in life. Like you, I wouldn't give up the confidence I now have in myself at 61 for the youthful appearance I had in earlier years. It's a wonderful time to be alive and the inner peace makes the years of struggle worth it. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Rated up and beautiful!
love the line about your kids being your heart walking outside you.
Crone is such a cruel word! You look happy and at peace with yourself and that's what counts! :)
Will - you ol' smooth talker, you! Many thanks for stopping by with such a kind comment ... you've made one old bat's day.
Bless you for your thoughts, PWalker ... glad we are both singing from the same hymn sheet. I suspect there are a lot of us on the same wavelength out there (apologies for the overload of metaphors!)
Hi cathylynn ... thanks for taking time to leave a comment. I have often thought that that is the best way to warn people that that is what having kids is all about. You die a thousand deaths for them before you actually physically die ... and that is when everything goes relatively smoothly in their lives!
Hello Feline ... nice to see you here. I agree 'crone' has bad connotations but I used it specifically to try and rehabilitate it. It really means 'wise elder woman' and I am determined to try and turn its image around ...lol.
And yes, this is one crone who is finally at peace with herself and is very happy. And the darling hubbers who comment on my hubs and connect with me all add to that joy ...
This is beautifully written Angie, (imho). I also particularly like the line about your children being your heart walking outside you. I have two adult sons, but they'll always be my 'children'. So I know how you feel, but have never seen it expressed better.
As to the allure of the older woman, I met the girl who was to become my wife when she introduced herself to m;, she at age 14, me at 16. We've been married for 41 years, happily, and still in love ( so much so I even wrote a hub about it...).
At age 26, she was as beautiful as you were, from your pic,(she had the same dancer's legs, and danced a great deal), but for much of our married life, I used to kid with her about how appealing I found 'older women'.
In more recent years, she's morphed into one, (I always knew she would) and my dreams of living with an older woman have come true. And I love it, (I always knew I would..).
Besides Angie, you know what they say, "Age is just mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.' :)
Is that what crone really means? I applaud your efforts at rehabilitating the word! :)
Angie, I have grown to love you and respect you for the immeasurable facets of your personality and talents, and the pictures that I have seen have confirmed in me my knowledge that you were, and are a beautiful person. Physically and emotionally and philosophically.
But hell, woman, I have seen some great legs! There are one or two hubs I love opening when I know someone has commented, for the beauty of the opening picture: Nellieanna’s Plaisir d’Amour with the parasol in Battenberg lace (I promise I had no influence on that choice, and neither did Ghastly Prendy.) http://nellieanna.hubpages.com/hub/Plaisir-dAmour
Svetlana's Men are buses a man of my dreams: http://kallini2010.hubpages.com/hub/Men-Are-Buses-
And now this one. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and this beholder beheld and Wow!!!
I lovely and beautifully written hub, buttons clicked appropriately.
Angie - thank you~ I feel like I know you much better now. Only thing is,- you're surely don't qualify for cronyhood. :-) I love your recollections of the decades, though. I hated the horrid 30s too - though for different reasons. They were so - - dowdy, wondering what happened to the girl I was. Now, I'm pleased that she took her place in history! I wouldn't go back either, unless to make some wiser choices. But who knows where those might have led - and "wise", by whose definition? I had no real idea who I was then and was far too directed by others who never really knew me.
But back to YOU. Those legs surely go on forever! How I've envied long legs like that! Mine got shapely from lots of walking, since I didn't drive till I as 40 - but are a bit too short. You were gorgeous then and still are! The overall look of you now says very comfortable in your skin, confident and at peace. Good for you.
It's a delightful look at the years which have brought you here.
(Thanks, Ian - it's an honor to be favorably mentioned with Angie and Svetlana!)
I am beginning to think that all the beautiful women are gathered on Hub Pages, waiting to enchant and to offer good advice... a foreign language to me, but Hey Ho!
Enchantment and good advice are foreign languages to you, Ian????? Naw!!!
Nellie, I know I've said it before, but HP was brown sticky stuff to me for a good while, but I must admit I am loving it again, for all the reasons that you know of.
By the way, I think Mike may (just may) join our grave party ("Grave" as in noun, not "grave" as in adjective).
Ah, dear Ian. I'm so happy you've become more comfortable in HP. It was a vast wilderness to me at first, though I was helped by having an ally who persuaded me to join and then I had the good fortune to have De Greek be my first "follow and fan" even before I'd ventured a single word - even my profile was very brief and non-revealing.
Following and fanning were things I had NO inkling about - but it was enticing. His own wide following was enthusiastic, so they sort of adopted this odd-ball introvert and soon I thought HP was an exception to the impression I'd had about gatherings of "special interest groups", each trying to outdo the others and all that nonsense. I hesitated to join because of that, in fact, but Merlin was persuasive enough to stir my eleemosynary instincts to come on in to support his work.
Now if Mike does join in the graveshift (hehe) - that will be fun and add ever so much class to it! (right, there will be nothing 'grave' about that party!)
And I truly think Angie should be a major part of it, don't you? - just allowing us to banter on about it here should give her automatic diva status there - not as though she needed any other recommendation but being Angie!
Hi Angie, Good article. i hope you enjoy your 'cronism'.
All the best. Michael.
I could not face eternity in the grave without Angie or you or several others.
Let's party!
Oops! My British Reserve left me for a moment there, but I'm better now.
Phew! That was close.
My darlings! You have been having a party without me!!! Sorry for the late reply but it would appear that HP has started withholding things from me and I didn't know you had all started the wine and nibbles without me!
(Excuse all the exclamation marks but I am outraged and deeply annoyed with HP ... I only found all this chat by checking through all my hubs comments as I realised HP can no longer be trusted. And they keep dropping my author score for no apparent reason .... grrr).
So to all of you, my darling TL/ delicious Nellieanna and delightful Michael - a huge thank you for your oh so kind comments and positivity. I am usually nervous of putting too much of my real self on HP but I get soooo ticked off with ageism. When you look at all the headings on HP under 'Age' you would think there is nothing left for us but decrepitude and death. Grrr ... again.
So as TL says 'Let's party' ... sod British reserve ... let's go American! I love you all .......x
It is strange what filters through, isn't it Angie. Sometimes I think that no one has made a comment, and then I check and there's something.
Wossamattawivdem?
Angie & Ian - I long ago quit relying on HP email notifications for new comments or other things given by others which need my responses & acknowledgement! For one thing, notices of those were always late to be posted as emails, and it was bothersome replying to them, having to move back and forth between my email account and HP page.
I happily discovered a better way; - now I just open "My Account" at the top of any page I have open in HP, and right there, I can check "Comments" under "Hubs". It lists all the current comments to any of my hubs and they are posted on there in a very timely way.
To see any new "Fan Mail", I just look in "My Account" under "Activity". There are other things one can track under "My Account"; - but being able to track current posts to one's hubs and kind fan mail needing approval is really valuable!
It's also convenient to check "Hubbers you Follow" under "Activity" to see recent posts from them. I still try to check out the notices of those in my email, - but if & when I am involved otherwise and those notices are missed when just posted, - they so quickly slide down the list of emails and get buried. When new ones are constantly arriving, it can become intimidating to try to go back and find older ones. The "Hubbere You Follow" list also shows their most recent post and how long ago it was. That is very helpful.
OOPs. You're "going American" and will prolly think we all spell it "Hubbere". No, no. That's just Texan. Surely you're not quite ready to "go Texan" - - are you?
By the way - you probably know this - but to check back on your own comments on others' hubs if you want to see if they've responded, your Hubtivity lists everywhere you've made comments - for some period of time; I'm not sure if it's forever. hehe. I try to keep up so I only look back into that history for a bit.
I was curious so I checked to see how much is stored on "Hubtivity". Mine has 44 pages and goes back 8 weeks. HP trivia for the day. So you don't think I have no life, please be aware that I didn't go through each page one at a time to find that out. I went to the second page and changed the page # in the URL 10 or so pages at a time till it didn't go forward. When I changed it to 50, it stopped at 44. hehe But I am snoopy enough to want to know. I missed a calling as a detective. :-) And I care!
I'm voting for Nellie to be the next Miss Marple.
Is there NOTHING you can't do with technology, woman?
You're so clever.
Uh- huh - lots of stuff!
Hi Angie,
This was so well written and I loved it! Your photos are beautiful. I wouldn't change the wisdom and self acceptance I feel today. It is so much more "peaceful" than even not that long ago. I'm looking forward to my 50's being much better than 40's. Gosh, it feels strange even saying that, ha. Take care,
Sharyn
Hi TL and Nellie - they've done it again! There I was thinking no-one cared and here are you two gossiping away like good 'uns!!! Will defo. take your advice, Nell and check the comments heading on my account. That's how I found all this going on ... Grrr, I'm spitting feathers here! As you can tell by all the exclamation marks!!!!!!!!!! Well, I 'm glad you two had a nice chat anyway. My best love to you both. x
Dear Sharyn ... sorry for the neglect and many grovelling thanks for your kind comments on my photos. I must own up here and say I was vain enough to get my old man to take one that hid several of my chins though. So glad you are looking forward to your 50's ... despite being widowed my 50's did actually turn out to be quite a blast later on. Hugs ...
Angie Jardine - with age comes many things and among them is the ability to like oneself. Once that kicks in, then look out world - here you come.
Great hub looking forward tdo reading more.
q
Hi Quester ... thank you for your comment ... I think that is certainly true for me, thank goodness. It is very sad thought to think that it may not happen for some people.
Nice to see you here ... and I hope you enjoy some of my other offerings. I don't think they are altogether a straight forward look at life ... or maybe they are and everyone else is out of kilter : )
You will like her writing, Questa. It's good. It's eclectic. It's really worthwhile.
Daaahhhhling! I've never been eclectic before! Does it hurt? x
Daaahhhhling! I've never been eclectic before! Does it hurt? x
It only hurts if you have en esoteric leaning.
Mwah!
Ah, the straight jacket helps with that ... chortle!
I am not quite into my sixties. I was just telling a friend who is in her sixties about the crone stage of life and how I am happy in it. Everything is better. This idea of time is just that- an idea.I have had the pleasure of knowing several people who pay no attention to birthdays or worry about the aging process and are doing very well into their 80s. It isn't too common but it is an inspiration to me. I have never felt my age and don't plan to. By the way, yoga helps.
Many thanks, Nadine, for stopping by to comment on this hub. It's nice to know that there are other women out there who are enjoying later life.
My (slight) problem is that I cannot keep on working for as long as I once used to. I always forget and by the time I stop it is already too late and I have overtaxed my energy levels.
Other than that life is great!
WillStarr Level 8 Commenter 9 months ago
I hate to break this to you, but your allure is still there, and very appealing.
In plain language, you are still very much a babe!